The Green-Eyed Monster

And other reasons friends don't support each other

Here’s a message I received a few weeks ago…

How do you handle family and friends not supporting your work? It feels like every time I share something, they barely acknowledge it. This is especially hurtful when it’s someone whose art I’ve supported in the past.

I considered the possibility that everything I was making must be horrible, but over the last couple years I’ve built up a moderate but respectable following, I’m generating sales, and I’ve even won a few awards. Nothing major, but enough to assure me that okay, so I’m not totally inept!

I know this shouldn’t bother me so much and that I should just concentrate on all of the positive developments, but I can’t help it. It still really bothers me sometimes. So, any tips or advice? Have you ever gone through anything similar?

In a word…

YES.

Holy shit, yes. But before I get to that, I first want to say congratulations. I’m detecting an undercurrent of self-effacement running through this message. Although I can relate to that impulse, it’s imperative that you take a moment to feel proud of what you’ve accomplished. Just finishing something and putting it out into the world is a huge step. In fact, that’s the one most artists struggle with. And if you can keep doing that over and over again? That’s elite. Truly.

But okay, let’s dig into this. Have I ever felt like most of my friends and family were completely disinterested in my creative work? To quote my lecherous 10th-grade gym teacher Mr. Hughes: “Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?”

The first thing worth noting is that there’s a strong possibility their indifference has nothing to do with what you’re posting and everything to do with where and how it’s being shared. I wrote more about that here.

But the explanation isn’t always that innocuous. It’s also possible for the people who care about you to fully support your desire to make art without actually being interested in the art itself. That doesn’t mean what you made is bad, it just means it’s not for them. And when you consider how subjective and specific your own taste is when it comes to music/movies/books/etc, it’s a lot easier to understand why the reaction from such a small sample size might seem so tepid.

My wife and I called in a lot of favors when we were shooting our web series. So many friends and relatives went above and beyond to help us realize that dream. And you know what? A lot of them still haven’t watched a single episode. And quite frankly, I hope some of them never do. I know it's not their cup of tea.

Your art is not for everyone.

But don't let that discourage you! Accepting that sets you free. It took me way too long to realize how many creative instincts I was suppressing instead of chasing. I was so preoccupied with what other people might think of what I was doing that I wasn't being honest about what I actually wanted to do.

There’s a scene in The Doors movie where Jim Morrison asks someone, "Where's your will to be weird?" And I love that quote. It's become my north star for making art. And really, for everything. Because when you’re young, everyone tells you how important it is to be yourself. And then when you grow up, you’re shamed for not conforming.

The other thing is, although you’ll have friends and other artists who sincerely enjoy and support what you do, by in large... your friends are not your fans. You need to cast a wider net. And it sounds like you already have, so well done!

But for everyone else who needs to hear this — don't abandon something just because you made a few posts on social media that didn't gain any traction. Your audience is out there. You just need to spend more time figuring out where that target demographic hangs out and less time resenting your Aunt Judy for not leaving a thumbs-up on your Facebook post.

Unfortunately, there are others out there who will never understand your passion or approve of your decision to pursue it. Their values and priorities are different than yours. Believe me, I know the feeling. My wife and I have both made unconventional choices in our professional lives and we decided not to have kids. It would be great if nearly every single person we met didn't feel entitled to share their dumb fucking opinion about that, but they do. It's like we broke the unspoken agreement of the tribe. Many of them still treat our creative projects like this is all just a phase they’re waiting for us to grow out of. And anyone who zigs instead of zags is going to get a taste of that.

A lot of people value art, but not artists.

Here's the part of this message that really struck a chord with me...

"This is especially hurtful when it’s someone whose art I’ve supported in the past."

Sometimes your community of fellow artists can feel more like a dog-eat-dog battle royale. And don’t get me wrong, competition can be good! There's definitely a benefit in finding peers whose work inspires you to dream bigger and be better.

But holy shit, it can also be so, so petty.

There's a documentary called Dig! about the friendship and rivalry between the bands The Dandy Warhols and The Brian Jonestown Massacre. About half an hour in, the lead singer of one band plays his new song for the lead singer of the other band to get his thoughts on it. I've got that part cued up. Just watch the next two minutes…

We all know what just happened there. Anton isn't silent because he thinks the song sucks, he's not saying anything because he knows it's fucking great.

So yeah, there are definitely some other artists out there who resent that you're making cool shit. And a few who probably really resent that you've found some success doing it. It's easier when everyone's struggling and starving. That's when you're all in it together. But as opportunities arise for some and not others, the frailty of those bonds gets exposed.

I've had several relationships that felt conditional on me being just as or (preferably) less successful than the other person. Once that dynamic shifted, everything collapsed. It sucks when the people you rooted for and celebrated with can't do the same for you. I'm sorry you're going through that.

If we’re all being honest with ourselves though, we also know how it feels to be on the other side of this. We’ve all been Anton at some point. Artists are particularly prone to adopting a scarcity mindset. Someone else winning means we lost.

So it’s not that I don’t have compassion for that. I’ve been there. But I’ve also realized that the unhappiest people I know are the ones who are most obsessed with what everyone else has vs. what they think they’re owed. I don’t want to be that type of person and I don’t want them around me. It goes back to what I said about a healthy level of competition. I would rather surround myself with collaborators who inspire me to aim higher, not people who need to drag me down so they can feel better about themselves.

You know what's really tough though? This often has nothing to do with the quality of your art or its level of success. Sometimes it's as simple as you having the audacity to even try. That's enough to trigger some folks. Because now you're doing something those people couldn't find the courage to do. Just by taking action, you wind up shining a giant spotlight on all of their insecurities and regrets.

Or maybe you're threatening a status quo they've grown comfortable with. Actually, the closer you are to someone, the more of an issue this tends to be. It happens a lot with partners who seem unsupportive of their spouses. It's not that they want their significant other to fail, it's that they're afraid this person they love might outgrow them.

It's fear. It's envy. It's shame.

But it's not you.

And I know, that's not how it feels. It all seems so personal. You've made yourself vulnerable and a rejection of your art feels like a rejection of you as a person. But I promise that's not the case.

I have two parting thoughts I'd like you to try and take to heart...

First, it's always going to be easier to focus on the negative. We're all hard-wired to do it. But instead of fixating on the friends who don't show up for you, really try to concentrate on the ones who do. Because they’re there. And they’re easy to overlook in a culture that’s taught us that quantity is the only metric that matters. Be grateful for those friendships and nurture them. The older you get, the more difficult that stuff becomes to maintain. Make the time. Make the effort. One true friend is worth so much more than hundreds of fake internet friends.

Second, I have a quick fix for when you're feeling low about this. It's going to feel counterintuitive, but I promise it works. Whatever sort of feedback, attention, or validation you wish you were receiving? Give it to someone else.

Whenever I bust my ass putting together an episode of my podcast and it doesn't seem to get a lot of engagement on social media, instead of stewing about it, I look up a show that I'm a fan of and leave them some positive feedback. I never mention that I also have a podcast because it's not transactional. I'm not looking to get anything out of it. I just want them to know I appreciate their hard work. I leave the type of comment I'd like to get.

More recently, I’ve been getting a little bummed out about how one-sided so many of my interactions are. Especially with other artists. They’ll go on and on about whatever they're working on without ever asking what I'm up to. If I'm feeling particularly frustrated about that, I make a point of reaching out to a friend to see how their project is coming along. Not as a tee-up to then talk about something I’m doing, but just to listen. I start the conversation I sometimes wish someone were starting with me.

Again, it's not I scratch your back so now you scratch mine. It's genuine admiration and interest without any hope of getting anything back in return. But by focusing on what I'm putting out instead of what I'm receiving, I instantly feel better. Every time.

Take care, friends. Talk to you soon.

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If there’s a topic you’d like me to cover or a question you’d like to ask, send a message to chrisfightsdemons@substack.com. If it’s something I think other readers will be interested in, I’ll add it to the list and respond in a future post.