Field Notes: Lucy Chandler, Self-Sabotage, and Taming The Hulk
aka Why I Can't Have Nice Things.
Whenever something goes right, I have to fight the urge to blow it up.
Every facet of my life is vulnerable to this instinct: relationships, career, finances, etc. Picture Bruce Banner struggling to prevent The Hulk from emerging — only instead of anger, the trigger is self-worth.
And you know what? This is not a new problem. My step-mom identified it way back when I was just a teenager. She told me:
“You’re not afraid of failure, you’re afraid of success.”
At the time, I completely dismissed this diagnosis. It didn’t even make sense. But as the years went by, there was definitely a pattern of self-sabotage that became hard to ignore. Sometimes that meant spectacularly fucking up an opportunity I’d been presented with. More often though, this inclination would manifest in more subtle ways — like talking myself out of potentially good ideas before I’d even given them a chance.
When I was younger, the only person who was really affected by this was me. As I’ve grown older, the amount of collateral damage has skyrocketed. My behavior is hurting other people.
I wrote and directed a web series called The Strange Case of Lucy Chandler. It’s a neo-noir murder mystery with touches of horror and surrealism. A friend of mine came up with my favorite description of it:
“It’s like if David Lynch directed Veronica Mars.”
There are twelve episodes total, but only three have been released. I’m embarrassed that the amount of time in between them has been growing longer and longer. You know what I’m even more ashamed of? It’s not like we’re waiting for everyone’s availability to line up so we can go out and make them. All twelve episodes have already been shot. Production wrapped right before the pandemic hit. I have all of the footage sitting on external drives in this cabinet right next to me.
So why the delay? Well, some of it is logistical. The post-production on these episodes can be pretty elaborate and they do take a long time to edit. But that’s maybe only 20% of it. The other 80%? Well,let me explain what was going on after the third episode went up and see if you can guess what happened next…
The show was starting to build some organic momentum and we were getting good feedback. The first episode won an award. I was even receiving offers for writing and directing gigs because of it.
By the way, my self-esteem is so crushingly low that it makes me uncomfortable to even share any of that. It’s important to establish though, because all of those positive developments were occurring in spite of the fact that we’d only initiated what we considered a soft launch. Friends, family, and listeners of my podcast were the only ones it had been shared with. We were deliberately holding back on some of the more aggressive and creative marketing strategies we’d worked out until after the fourth episode was done. So…
What do you think I did?
I stopped working on it.
I know, I know… I let The Hulk out.
I want to be careful not to oversimplify this though. When it comes to my mental health and some of the things I’ve been struggling with, this is only one piece of the puzzle.
But it’s definitely a very big piece.
As you might imagine, the longer I put off working on this next episode, the more insurmountable returning to it began to feel. The anxiety was overwhelming. And so was the guilt. Because it wasn’t just myself I was letting down, it was everyone else who had worked on the series. I thought about all of them every single day. I still do. They’re the collateral damage here.
Now, I want to be clear about something — at no point have I ever considered not finishing this. In my mind, this wasn’t abandonment. I was just kicking the can further and further down the road.
But I meant it when I said this newsletter was as much for me as it was for you. So I’ve been trying to follow my own advice . I picked the one main creative project I knew I wanted to focus on. It was this episode of Lucy Chandler that’s been 75% done for months.
So now I find myself stuck in this terrible loop where I know how awful it feels whenever I’m not working on it, but then when I do sit down and engage with it, I’m faced with another form of anxiety: the voice in my head telling me it sucks. So, cool — even when I do finally release this piece of shit, I’ll still be letting everyone down.
That’s where I’m trapped at the moment. But here’s what I’ve been reminding myself…
Every single episode has felt like a total disaster at some point. I thought the third one was a substantial step down from the first two, but several people told me it was their favorite so far. Which absolutely does not mean the takeaway here is to rely on other people’s opinions to validate your work. Not at all. It’s simply the recognition that once these things go out into the world, it’s not up to me to determine their value. All I can do is be honest with myself about whether or not that work represents the very best I could do with the resources I had available to me at the time.
The other thing I’ve been keeping in mind is that even though The Hulk is a destructive force, it’s ultimately trying to protect Bruce Banner from things it perceives to be a threat. The recognition of that is a key component of him learning to control it.
So what is my Hulk trying to protect me from? Is it a change to our status quo (even though that status quo is unfulfilling and these changes might be positive)? Yes.
Or is it that this next episode of the web series does have several big problems that need to be addressed before I can move on to the next stage of editing? Also yes! Because this confounding motherf*cker shoves me over cliffs just as often as he prevents me from falling off of them.
Something that regularly comes up for me in therapy is the importance of the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. One of the key components of my narrative is a tried-and-true classic: I don’t deserve to be happy. There are many, many factors that have contributed to this and unpacking them is an ongoing process.
But I’m also learning to write a new narrative. And one of the stories I’d like to tell myself is that I’m the sort of person who finishes what he starts.
So fine. Even with my best effort, the next episode of Lucy Chandler might still wind up being the worst one so far. Just a big ‘ol honking pile of poo poo magoo. So what? There are still eight more.
And there are certain sequences in those upcoming episodes that I’m dying for people to see because I think my cast & crew pulled off some pretty astonishing stuff. There are so many characters that haven’t even been introduced yet and some pretty stellar performances that deserve to be seen. I’ve also got a detailed outline for a second season that’s shaping up to be my favorite thing I’ve ever written. These are all great motivators to accept my current situation for what it is and find some way to maneuver around this obstacle.
A key thing I’m learning is that if I try to battle my Hulk, he’s going to win every single time. Instead, I’m figuring out how to recognize when he’s trying to break free and then asking myself what it is he’s trying to protect me from. From there, the hope is to find a healthier and more compassionate way of addressing those fears or concerns. We’ll see how it goes.
I want to close out these Field Notes installments with a list of stuff I’ve been checking out that I think is worth sharing. So to wind this down, here are…
5 Cool Things
Light & Magic - This is a docuseries about Industrial Light & Magic that’s on Disney+. I watched it a while back, but it’s really stuck with me. Even if you think you’re not interested in special effects or filmmaking, I highly recommend this. The first few episodes about the very early days of the company were my favorite. I loved watching this motley crew just sort of making it all up as they went along. If you’re an artist, this will absolutely inspire you to dream bigger and take risks.
Chasing the Boogeyman by Richard Chizmar. This is a book that’s been on my to-read list for ages. It wasn’t until I finally dug into it that I realized it’s half autobiography/half fictionalized murder mystery. It’s an unusual conceit, but the intertwining of the two is seamless. It hooked me straight away and I flew through it in two nights. It’s funny how many books I’ve come across lately that take this approach (Bret Easton Ellis did the same thing with Lunar Park). I didn’t know this subgenre existed, but I’m glad I discovered it.
Rock Is Deader Than Dead - Sean Fennessey from The Ringer made this Spotify playlist of (mostly) rock songs from the 90s and I’ve been listening to it non-stop. There are some real blasts from the past on here. Songs I haven’t thought about in years. This was like taking a time machine back to junior high and high school.
Speaking of Spotify, here’s a fun feature you might not be aware of. When you right-click on one of your playlists, there’s an option to “create similar playlist.” So just like that, you’ve suddenly got a brand new list of songs you’re probably going to love.
It’s been a pretty rotten week. But when I’m feeling down, a surefire way to lift my spirits is to pull up this clip of Bradley Cooper on Jimmy Fallon. About 90 sec in, they get a serious case of the giggles and what follows is ten hysterical minutes of them trying (and failing) to get back on track. I don’t even watch Fallon, but I’ve revisited this video so many times.
Alright, that’s it for the inaugural edition of Field Notes. In case you missed it on the newsletter’s About page, the plan is to do these more informal check-ins in between the main posts.
And hey listen, not unlike that band of outsiders that created ILM, I’m also figuring all of this out as I go. This nascent stage is exciting, but also a little awkward and intimidating. So thank you for subscribing, sharing, and supporting this endeavor. Thank you for helping me shape this.
Take care, friends. Talk to you soon.
Another great post, thank you for sharing, it makes me (and everyone I’m sure) feel like I’m not the only one that goes through and feels these things - it’s reassuring, thank you.
Chris, I so relate to this. I released an EP of my music this week, and as I was getting everything ready, I realized I started working on some of the songs in 2019! They’d been mostly finished for years but I never felt like the time was right. So it’s compelled me to be more fearless about just finishing stuff. Do it the best you can, move on, and learn. Godspeed!