It was my birthday this past Thursday. If I’m being honest, it’s a relief to be at a point where only the milestone numbers get much attention. It’s only recently that I’ve noticed how often I succumb to the pressure of making plans out of a sense of obligation rather than any actual desire. So after kicking around a bunch of ideas, I decided that what I really wanted to do for my birthday… was not much. It was quiet, relaxing, and perfect.
My birthdays used to bum me out. Not because I had any hang-ups about getting older, but because they seemed to re-enforce this narrative I'd created that I didn't mean that much to very many people. No matter how many friends, family members, or social media followers reached out, I would always interpret it as evidence of how trivial my existence was. And because of that, I wound up paying more attention to the folks I didn't hear from. I was keeping score. Even though there was no scale to measure any of this against. There was no magic number I’d hit and suddenly be able to stop fighting this losing battle with my own impermanence. Year after year, the final tally was always a failing grade.
And of course it was. That’s what happens when you work backwards from a pre-determined outcome. The real narrative of my life wasn't that I didn't mean anything to anyone, it was that I was looking for validation in all the wrong places.
Over time, that terrible truth became inescapable. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t fulfilled. And despite feeling like I had a handle on what my values and priorities were, I had to admit to myself that the choices I was making day-to-day did not reflect them. This took a lot longer than you might imagine. Because how often do we check in with ourselves about stuff like that? Especially if you were never taught to even think about them? But your core values are the Rosetta Stone for everything you feel.
And like I said, if you’d asked me if I knew what was most important to me in life, I would have confidently replied that yeah, of course I did. But then if you’d asked me to actually write down my top 5 values (or hell, even just 3) and explain why they’re important to me… you’d have been waiting for a while.
Here’s the main thing that tripped me up — they’re written in pencil, not ink. They’re constantly changing or shifting depending on where you’re at in life. So you don’t just pick a few and lock them in. If you’re feeling unfulfilled or unsatisfied, there’s a very strong chance that you’re living out of alignment with your core values.
Your heart will know this. It’ll try to tell you. But without that Rosetta Stone, the message it’s sending will be in a language you can’t translate.
So where do you start? How do you define your core values? You could try this online test to help you figure it out. Or maybe a guided exercise. There are a lot of options out there, but whichever one you choose, don’t rush it.
Or do! Maybe your impulsivity will reveal some deeper truths. But even if that’s the case, sit with those answers. Think about them. Go back and revise your list. Repeat that process over and over.
Again, this took me a really long time. And all I started with were two questions:
What’s most important to me?
Why?
It’s that second one that’ll get you. At first, my list was more reflective of all the stuff I thought I was supposed to say. That’s why you have to let these answers marinate for a bit. Because it turns out, when I really mulled it over, a lot of the stuff I thought I cared about wasn’t actually that important to me anymore. And I was wasting a lot of time and energy on that shit.
So after getting clear on what did matter to me (family, health, creating art, compassion, humility, gratitude, etc.), I made a conscious decision to eliminate a few big distractions and live a quieter and (somewhat) more private life. Once I identified those values, I could start making choices that aligned with them.
To bring it full circle, this is one of the reasons my birthday wound up feeling pretty special this year. As it was winding down, I realized that the day had been reflective of a shift in priorities — less concerned with ephemeral bullshit and more focused on sharing moments with the people I love...
A phone call from my sister where the kids sang happy birthday to me. A funny story from my mom about the winter I was born. Catching up with a handful of old friends. My wife cooking one of my favorite meals for dinner.
I think all any of us really want is to feel like we matter. The great gift I received this year was the realization that it doesn't actually take very much. You just have to know where to look.
5 Cool Things
Poker Face - Remember when the first season of Russian Doll came out and the internet decided that Natasha Lyonne should star in a Colombo reboot? Well… Rian Johnson remembered. And like Colombo, Poker Face isn’t a whodunnit, it’s a howcatchem. You’re introduced to the crime and the perpetrators first and then the tension (and often humor) comes from waiting to see how Lyonne’s character is going to connect the dots. Although the series is wearing its influences on its sleeve, it also throws in a few new tricks and stylistic choices to make it all feel fresh. I loved Colombo and I adore Natasha Lyonne, so this one’s a slam dunk for me.
Aurora - This is the second novel by a very prolific and successful screenwriter named David Koepp. It’s pretty fitting that he wrote the script for Jurassic Park because his novels remind me a lot of Michael Crichton. They’re high-concept thrillers grounded in real science and well-researched, but then embellished and exaggerated up to the point of near-absurdity. But in a massively fun and entertaining way. Aurora focuses on a handful of interconnected characters in the aftermath of a solar storm that causes a worldwide blackout. So it’s post-apocalyptic, but in a way that feels more credible and relatable than a lot of other similar stories. And speaking of relatability, most of it takes place in and around the town of Aurora, Illinois, which is right next door to where I grew up!
THR Actors Roundtable - This is an hour-long conversation between Austin Butler, Colin Farrell, Brendan Fraser, Jeremy Pope, Ke Huy Quan, and Adam Sandler. The whole thing is pretty good, but it’s the first question the moderator asks them that I want to highlight. With the awards season looming and all of them being singled out for their performances, he wants them to identify a moment in their careers they felt the furthest away from this moment. The responses are so genuine and inspiring. Side note — Colin Farrell is so good in The Banshees of Inisherin and he seems like one of the coolest and most genuine guys on the planet.
myNoise - Early on, I recommended some ambient soundscapes on YouTube that I use when I’m writing. I’ve since discovered this site, which I like even better. You just pick what your goal is (focus, sleep, relax, etc.), select an environment or piece of music, and then use the sliders to customize which elements are quieter or louder.
When it comes to gifts, my wife is amazing at remembering things she knows I need that I’ll never buy for myself. On our last vacation, I complained constantly about the sad state of my suitcase. But who wants to shop for luggage? And also, as soon as we got home and it was back in the closet, I forgot all about it. But she didn’t. So one of my gifts was a brand new suitcase for an upcoming trip. That was already great in and of itself. But she also remembered how often I almost grabbed a suitcase that wasn’t mine off the baggage carousel because there were so many that looked just like it. So she made sure that from now on, I’d always be able to spot mine…
Take care, friends. Talk to you soon.
Wow, this whole entry was my favourite one yet, I can really identify with this one. Thank you for sharing.
Glad to hear you had a happy birthday man. Best wishes even though they’re belated.